From “Fat Girl” to F*ck You

Do you remember the opening scene of The Devil Wears Prada, where all the working girls in NYC look amazing while getting ready for work? How confident and sexy they felt, and they weren’t even fully put together.

That’s how I choose to feel on a daily basis.

I remember when I was 30 lbs heavier five years ago, I wasn’t comfortable wearing tight dresses, or jeans for that matter.  I would always cover my body by wearing overly large hoodies, leggings, or just workout clothes.

I was bullied for being overweight all throughout middle school and high school. A classmate wrote a rap song about me and the entire school laughed. I had internet trolls on my social media accounts, and I ate in my car during lunch because I had no friends on campus.

Even after I lost all the weight, I was still self-conscious. The hurtful memories from my  childhood stuck with me for life.

I remember that I would hate having sex without a shirt on with my first boyfriend because I was so insecure. I would get angry and freak out on him every time he would try to put his hands near my stomach. I would insist on always having the lights off, and avoid positions where he could see my front.

I was so embarrassed of my body that I couldn’t fully give myself to him.

One night he came over to my house after work and I was doing my nightly routine before bed. I came out of my restroom in my favorite sweats from college and a long sleeve shirt. My boyfriend at the time looked over at me and said, “Why don’t you ever wear anything sexy”?

Right there, my heart dropped and suddenly, the flashbacks of being unwanted and the “fat girl” came rushing back all at once. I slammed the bathroom door crying uncontrollably. He attempted to comfort me and apologize, but I couldn’t let it go.

So what did I do the next day? I bought lingerie.

I know what you’re thinking, that I bought lingerie to impress him. It’s actually the opposite. I bought lingerie to impress myself.

I had been overweight my whole life. I grew up in a family that suffered from type II diabetes, and didn’t prioritize fitness and healthy eating. I became an emotional eater when I would get teased at school. For many years I hated myself.

After losing 30 lbs, I was suddenly getting hit on and getting compliments by men, and it was so foreign to me. Even though I was being told I was beautiful, I didn’t believe it myself. It didn’t matter that I could now see my toes when I showered or that I could wear almost anything I wanted… I was still in that “fat girl” mindset

Many people think that if you lose all the extra weight that you’ll be confident and proud, but I understand that it takes a lot more work than just dropping down a few dress sizes.

They say that how you dress is an advertisement to the world about how you feel about yourself…

However, I know how exhausting it is to want to fit in and be liked for physical appearances. Eventually, you give up and just want to put on some comfy sweats. But instead of throwing in the towel and hiding underneath my baggy clothes, I made the choice to buy lingerie to prove to myself that I am sexy and beautiful, despite what I’ve been told in the past.

I choose to wear lingerie now because I give myself confidence that no man or other person can. I do it because makes me feel good, and nobody has to physically see it. I could strut around in a track suit and still feel like the sexiest woman alive because of what I have underneath!

When I slip on those matching bra and panties, I am leaving boring and undesirable at the door. I am exerting the woman I always dreamed of being… which is powerful, confident, and commanding of self. I make it a priority of mine to feel sexy and sensual all on my own when I get ready. Seeing myself in the mirror gives me a feminine confidence that I didn’t have before.

I give myself all the validation I need.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a size 2 or a size 10, wear whatever makes you feel empowered. I encourage all women to invest in lingerie, and to wear it daily. This isn’t about impressing a man in the bedroom, or anyone else in the world… this is about you. A majority of us all have insecurities with some parts of our bodies, and that’s why I feel secretly wearing lingerie is a great start for regaining confidence and self love.

 

 

 

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3 thoughts on “From “Fat Girl” to F*ck You

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