How Love is Both Selfish And Selfless

When is comes to love, I believe that it is a combination of overall well being and quality of life. By loving someone, you become one with that person.

How Love is Selfish

When choosing a partner, we are typically going to be with someone from whom we mutually benefit. We seek recognition, consistency, reassurance, and happiness from our partner. We can eventually become so devoted and invested in our partner that we don’t think anyone would ever compare. We learn to accept the person we love, flaws and all.

It is not uncommon for women to overcompensate and settle for less than they deserve, often because they do not want to be alone or are insecure. However, if a woman understands her worth she will not abandon herself to love unless she knows she will be loved in return.

In a way, she is bending backwards for a man who won’t let her break.

How Love is Selfless

Becoming a we, is forming a shared identity, which is less focused on individualism. For example, if the person you love is in pain, you feel their pain too.

To hurt someone that you love would mean to do self-harm. Another factor in this shared identity is that it’s shown to the public and you are a representation of each other; this becomes your brand. So the egotistic and selfish question asked is, what’s in it for me? How am I going to gain and benefit from this relationship?

Philosopher Robert Nozick explains that those who aren’t in love, are looking to “trade up” and look for the next best thing. A readiness to trade up or looking for someone with “better” characteristics, does not fit with an attitude of love.

Trading up or the willingness to, would destroy the we that the two have built together, therefore destroying oneself.

In order to love, one must forego seeking something better, solely committing to the current relationship.

As love grows, general traits become particular ways of being that no other person could possess. Therefore, a person in love could not fathom the idea of finding another love.


Love is selfish in that matter because we are unlikely to partner with someone who lacks in areas where we succeed. One would think that becoming a we is balancing, but it appears to be an exemplified version of ourselves.

We are selfless when we are in love because we think for someone else besides ourselves. We let go of of a great amount of individualism, and devote our everyday thoughts and emotions to someone we are in love with.

It is imperative to know ones worth and to understand ones value before investing time and effort into someone else. Whomever we choose to love, is a representation of ourself.

So if we choose someone who has poor qualities, that is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves.

There is also talk of an unbreakable bond. Being in love with someone is being devoted, trusting, and having reciprocal reassurance and consistency. It also leaves little to no room to question ones motives.

It’s as though you are enhancing yourself and sharing your everything with someone else.

Sharing is something that we do everyday with family, friends, and even strangers.

But, a shared identity is sort of like the heart and oxygen, without oxygen the heart won’t beat.


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